


Ghost in the night

by wolfypuppypiles



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Family, Friendship, Self-Esteem Issues, Sleepwalking, firefam - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23837050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfypuppypiles/pseuds/wolfypuppypiles
Summary: So, apparently one of the side effects of trauma can be sleepwalking. Yeah. Buck thought it was pretty weird too.Queue worry, angst, baby gates and pep talks :)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 68
Kudos: 274
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was so fun, it started off as like a joke fic but um yeah I added angst because its me muhahaha

Chim was having the best dream he’d ever had in his life. It may have involved Maddie, a bottle of champagne and way too many strawberries. He would have very happily dreamt about it all night but unfortunately for Chimney, he was woken up. 

He jerked awake, eyes rapidly taking in what little he could from the dark room around him. He was in the firehouse, the rest of his team were asleep in their own bunks beside him, sound asleep. 

So, why was he awake?

Chimney would have loved if it were something as simple as the wind or a stray cat but nope. He was part of the 118, it was never going to be something normal. 

The sound came again, chilling Chimney’s blood and shooting goosebumps across his skin. In the cold, dark, silent firehouse, someone was crying, their wails echoing through each room and corridor until it met Chimney’s ears, sending his heart pounding so hard in his chest he swore it might burst out of him.

He didn’t dare breathe, instead reaching out a shaky hand to shove at Hen where she slept in her own bunk beside him. She grunted but otherwise slept on and he let out a tiny whisper, shaking her harder and trying not to fall out of his bed. 

“Ugh, Chim. What.”

“Th-there’s a ghost.”

Hen opened her eyes and rolled towards him, squinting at him in the dark. “What?”

He called louder this time, hand still on her shoulder and shaking her. “There’s a ghost! I heard it!”

Hen groaned and sat up, reaching for her glasses as she glared at her idiotic friend. “There’s no such thing, Chimney. It was probably the wind.”

Chimney was adamant, finally letting her go to grip his blanket instead and peer towards the doorway where the sound had come from. “I swear to you, I heard it.”

Hen waited, annoyed and unconvinced. Until she heard it too. 

The cry came again, this time with words. “Please.”

Hen shivered, sitting up straighter in her bed. “Okay, that I heard.”

Chimney somehow managed to look scared and smug at the same time, whisper shouting across to her. “And it wasn’t no damn wind!”

She nodded, pulling her feet closer and crossing her legs. “Okay, I’m officially creeped out. We should tell Cap.”

“What should you tell Cap?” Eddie’s voice was muffled from where his face was smashed into his pillow but his words were clear enough. 

Hen and Chimney exchanged a look, managing to mumble the exact same nonsense at the same time. “There’s a ghost in the firehouse and we want Bobby to get it.”

Eddie let out a snort of laughter and snuggled back into his pillow. “Good luck with that. You guys are crazy.”

The noise came again before either of them could defend themselves and Eddie shot straight up in bed, eyes wide and scared. “Okay, what the hell was that?”

“We told you!”

Chimney looked hopeful, smiling at Eddie through the dim room. “Hey, you could go get it.”

Eddie looked at him like he was crazy. I mean, they were talking about ghosts, they were probably all crazy. “Go get it? And do what? Tell it politely to leave? Throw some salt at it? No way. I’m staying in here.”

Bobby groaned from all the whispering and sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Why are you all awake? The alarms haven’t gone off, there isn’t anything we-”

He paused, eyes roaming over the four beds he could see lined up and the three bodies occupying them. “Wait, where's Buck?”

In that second Hen, Chimney and Eddie shared a single brain cell which possessed only one thought. “Fuck, the ghost is Buck.”

The team scrambled from their beds and ran through the firehouse, following the sombre wails and eerie cries until they found him. Hanging over the side of the balcony. 

“Buck!” Bobby ran first, feet slapping against the floor as he raced towards the youngest member of his team. Buck was sobbing, begging someone to take his hand and Bobby froze, stopping in his tracks and holding out his arms to stop the others. 

It was worse than the haunting cries of a would-be ghost, seeing their friend hanging over the side of the balcony, like that. He had one hand and one foot on the ground to keep his balance as tears dripped down his face and splattered on the cold floor twenty feet below. 

“Bobby, he’s-” Eddie tried to push past his captain’s hands, wanting to grab Buck and yank him back to safety but Bobby shook his head.

“He’s sleepwalking.”

“What? How do you know?” Hen watched Buck tremble through another sob as Bobby pointed towards him. 

“He doesn’t know we’re here. Listen to what he’s saying.”

They all waited, listening to Buck beg the invisible victim. “Please, just take my hand. I promise I won’t let you fall. I can save you, please, just let me save you.”

Chimney sighed, heart aching to see Buck in so much pain. “He’s dreaming about the first guy he lost. On that roller coaster. Bobby, we have to pull him back, he could fall.”

Bobby nodded and moved towards Buck slowly, motioning for the others to do the same. 

“We will, but we can’t just shake him awake he could hurt you or himself. I’m going to try waking him up with noise. The second you see that he’s awake, you grab him and pull him away from the edge, not a moment before. You understand?”

They all nodded, trusting their captain just like always. 

Bobby called out, voice creepily loud in the quiet firehouse. “Buck? I need you to wake up, son.”

Buck’s sobbing quietened a little but he didn’t wake, cries softening into mumbles and grunts. 

Bobby sighed, not liking his own idea but Buck was tipping further and further over the edge and if they didn’t pull him back soon…

He motioned to the others, lifting three fingers and counting down. “One, two, three. EVAN, WAKE UP!”

Thank god, Eddie was fast. Buck gasped at the sudden shout, eyes wide as saucers as he woke up dangling over a twenty-foot drop and wobbled forward, foot slipping, right before Eddie grabbed him from behind and tore him from the balcony. 

The two of them fell to the ground as Buck gasped, scrambling to figure out what the hell was happening. 

“What the- Where am I? What’s happening? Eddie?”

Eddie got to his knees and held his hands out in surrender, the both of them panting. “You’re okay. You’re fine, just breathe for a minute.”

The poor, confused blonde looked around at his team and wiped a hand over his face, frowning when it came away wet. “What happened? Why is my face wet?”

Bobby knelt down next to his teammate and rested a warm hand on his shoulder, settling his nerves and capturing his attention. “You were sleepwalking. We found you halfway over the balcony and we had to wake you up. I’m sorry, we scared you.”

“What?”

Chimney couldn't help but laugh, trying to suppress it and failing. “Man, you should be apologising to us. You scared the crap out of me!”

Hen nodded her agreement, smiling at the ridiculousness of the past fifteen minutes. 

Chimney sighed, only confusing Buck more. “I’m so glad you’re not a ghost.”

Buck looked around at the four of them, nose scrunched. “Are you guys pranking me?”

Eddie laughed, shaking his head at how stupid it was all going to sound when he inevitably told Carla about it. There’s no way she’d believe him. 

“We’re not pranking you. You were sleepwalking and we had to make sure you were safe. Did I hurt you at all?”

Buck blinked, looking down at himself and taking stock as Eddie’s worried hands patted him down. “Um...no. I think I’m okay. Just confused.”

Bobby tilted his head, trying to figure it all out. They’d need to find the cause in order to try and prevent it from happening again. “Have you ever gone sleepwalking before?”

Bobby could see the wheels turning in his head as Buck rubbed his eyes, exhausted. “Yeah, when I was a kid. It used to drive Maddie crazy. She’d always find me drawing on walls or throwing laundry around. But I haven’t done that since I was like seventeen.”

Hen hummed, thinking through everything she knew about sleepwalking. “It can be brought on by stress and trauma. Which we all know you have plenty of.”

Buck groaned, breaking it off with as yawn as he rubbed his eyes again, hair a mess of wayward curls. “I don’t wanna start sleepwalking again. It’s embarrassing.”

Eddie looked towards the balcony and tutted. “And apparently dangerous.”

“How about we all get back to bed and we’ll talk about it in the morning. Buck, try not to go wandering off again.” Bobby couldn't help a little gentle teasing and Buck smiled as Eddie pulled him to his feet. 

“I’ll do my best, Cap.”

:::::::::

‘It’s fine. I’m fine. He can’t hurt me anymore. I got away.’

Buck pulled in a slow even breath and held it for four seconds before letting it back out. He wasn’t going to panic at work, he wasn’t going to make another embarrassing scene. 

“Evan, why didn’t you tell me you were sleepwalking again?” 

Buck almost jumped out of his skin, flinching hard before looking up from the hose he was rolling to find his sister marching her way over. She looked halfway between worried and mad with an apologetic looking Chim following behind, giant bags swinging from each hand. 

“What? I’m not, I mean it only happened once the other night.” 

Maddie sighed and made a face like she was looking at him as if he were ten years old again and taking a shower in his pyjamas. It made him feel like he was ten years old again and he looked away. 

“It’s not like you’d really know if you had before then anyway. You could have been sleepwalking at home for weeks without knowing.”

Buck rolled his eyes and stood, hauling the hose back into its compartment in the truck. “Trust me I haven't been. I’m fine, Maddie. It’s not a big deal.”

Chim adjusted the bags in his hands, plastic crinkling and rustling with each awkward pull. “No offence, Buckaroo, but if you were fine you wouldn't be sleepwalking.”

Maddie nodded, following after him as Buck started to walk away, or tried to. He didn’t want to talk about it. “Exactly. Have you started taking any new medication? Sometimes that can start it back up or-”

Buck spun around, making her stop in her tracks with Chim’s shoes squeaking as he did the same from behind her. They looked like a trail of ducklings Buck wished would leave him alone. “No. I’m fine, Maddy. It’s just stress or something, okay? It’ll go away.”

Maddie searched her brother's face for any clues as to what he was hiding, because judging from the crease between his eyebrows and his clenched fists, he was hiding something. She lowered her voice, reaching for his hand. “Evan, you can tell me.”

Buck looked at her, seeing the worry in her eyes and he should tell her, he knew that. But if he did he’d only be adding fear to the look she was giving him. 

He forced a smile to his face and squeezed her hand. “I know. I’m fine, really. It was one episode. It might not even happen again.”

Maddie didn’t look completely satisfied but she dropped it anyway and gestured to the bags in Chims hands. “Well, I got some supplies just in case. I don’t want you walking off a balcony or falling down the stairs if it happens again.”

Buck narrowed his eyes at the two, Chimney’s lips pressed together to stop from laughing. “What did you do?”

::::

Eddie sighed and stood, flipping the screwdriver in his hand as he admired his handiwork. “Okay Cap. That’s the last baby gate installed. He won’t be slip sliding down these stairs anytime soon.”

He shook the gate experimentally, squinting at it to make sure it was high enough that Buck couldn't just step (or fall) over it. 

“Great work, Eddie. Hen, how are we doing in the kitchen?”

Buck sulked from his place on the couch as Hen packed the last of the knives away. “I’ve just got three more drawers to baby-proof and I’ll be done. Nothing sharp or dangerous for sleep-Buck to play with.”

Bobby smiled at his team, finding his youngest member and taking a seat next to him. “Fantastic, thank you.”

Buck was playing with his fingers, unusually quiet. Bobby nudged his arm. “Hey, there’s no need to be embarrassed, Buck. We aren’t doing this to make fun.”

Buck shrugged, reminding Bobby far too much of Harry when he got upset. “It sure feels like it.”

“Buck, you really scared us the other night and I don’t just mean the whole ghost thing.”

Buck’s mouth lifted just a little, the gloom fading from his eyes a touch and Bobby kept going. “You were in pain, Buck. We could hear it in your voice as you relieved something awful and then we found you halfway over the balcony and we were all terrified we’d have to watch you fall.”

He gestured to the rest of the team as Chim helped Hen install the last of the baby-proofing and Eddie rearranged half the kitchen into something a little safer.

“We’re doing this because we love you, Buck and we want to make sure that you’re safe.”

Buck's bottom lip wobbled even as he smiled and Bobby watched as his eyes grew wet. “I just hate making people worry. Everyones always taking care of me. I don’t want to add extra work for everyone.”

Bobby wrapped an arm around him and squeezed. “Aw, Buck. You are not a burden, kid. You take care of us too. I’ve seen you drive Eddie to work when he had a rough night with Chris or volunteer to babysit for Hen so that she and Karen could have a date night. You were there for me when I was at my lowest, you tracked Maddie down when Doug took her and you saved Chris from a tsunami.”

Buck sniffled and Bobby rubbed at his arm, trying to make him understand. “You are not weak for needing help, Buckley. I don’t ever want you thinking that you are. You hear me?”

Buck nodded and suddenly Bobby was being knocked back a few inches with a hug and a sigh. “Thanks, Bobby.”

“Anytime, kid.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive had some wine, i watched the latest episode and CRIED so this is messsyyy alright I'm warning you its not edited well or spaced out properly I apologise 
> 
> but also like its fun so I hope you enjoy!

“Okay, our state of the art alarm is all set up. Bobby, are you sure we can’t cover him in velcro and stick him to his bed?”

Bobby rolled his eyes at Chim as he straightened out Bucks bed for him, hoping that his extra secure tucking would keep him in his bed. “Yes, I am sure.”

Buck stepped in from the bathroom, toothbrush in his mouth as he warily eyed the bell Chimney had hung from the door. 

“That's our state of the art alarm? That’s not making me feel better. Maybe you should just take me off of overnight shifts, Bobby.”

Eddie left the bathroom and ruffled Bucks hair as he yawned, already heading for his own bed. 

“No, Buck. You’re staying here, with us so, that we can keep you safe. I don’t like the idea of you sleepwalking alone in your apartment.”

Buck smiled at that, pulling his pink toothbrush from his mouth to wave it at his best friend. “Aw, you think about me?”

Eddie grunted, face down on his bed, voice muffled by his pillow. “No.”

Buck was almost too smug, spinning lazily on his foot to go finish brushing his teeth. “You do.”

“Guys, we have some visitors.” Hen opened the door, the bell chiming as she did and let in one very excited Christopher all dressed up in his pyjamas, Carla following behind. 

Eddie jumped from his bed and raced to his son, sweeping him up into a hug. “Hello, little man. I thought I’d already called you to say goodnight.”

Christopher leaned into his dad's cuddle and laughed. “You did but I had to say goodnight to my Buck.”

Bucks head popped in from the bathroom, a giant smile on his face. “Did I hear superman?”

Eddie turned and set Christopher down, watching with a grin as Buck swept him up the same way he’d just done. “There he is! What are you doing here? It’s past your bedtime.”

Carla held up the book she’d brought, already sending an apologetic look to Eddie for keeping Christopher up. “He overheard us talking about Bucks sleepwalking and got worried. He said you needed a bedtime story.”

Buck smiled at the boy in his arms, rocking him from side to side as Christopher laid his head on his shoulder. “You want me to read you a story?”

Christopher shook his head, glasses almost coming loose. “No, I’m going to read you one. So, you have good dreams.”

Bobby pulled back Bucks covers and waved the two over. “Sounds like a good idea. Everyone into bed.”

Buck got under the covers and snuggled down as Chris sat with him, Eddie taking his bunk beside him and the rest of the firefighters following suit. Carla took a seat at Hen’s feet and may or may not have started recording as Christopher opened his book. 

“Each day Mollie and Peter ran down to their playroom in the garden, and looked at their wishing-chair to see if it had grown wings again. But each time they were disappointed. It hadn’t.”

The wishing chair was one of Christopher's favourites and Buck himself had fond memories of Maddie reading him the same story as a child. Everyone listened with rapt attention to the story until finally Christopher was too tired to stay awake and Buck was snoring. 

“Okay, Chris. Time for bed.”

Carla lifted him off the firefighters bunk and led him away, letting Eddie kiss his forehead before Christopher reached back for Buck. “Wait, he needs a goodnight kiss.”

He was tired, making it extra hard for him to walk and Eddie held his hands to help as they made their way back to Buck. He lifted Chris up and smiled as his son pressed a kiss to Buck’s curls. “Night, night, Buck.”

Eddie set him down and let Carla take him. “Bye, Chris. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay, Buddy?”

“Bye Dad.”

The door closed and the lights were turned out but the team, all except Buck, had trouble settling down. 

Hen watched her team mate snore, voice low in the quiet room as she hugged her pillow, chin resting atop it. “Are we really buying the ‘it's just the stress’ excuse?”

Chim shrugged where he too was watching Buck. “He is under stress. And it can affect sleep, especially if he already has sleep disorders.”

Hen shook her head and Eddie and Bobby watched her worried face, feeling the same thing she was. Something was wrong with Buck. “He’s always under some kind of stress. Why is this happening now? Why not after the explosion or the tsunami?”

Eddie shrugged, eyes fixed on the slow rise and fall of his best friend’s chest. “He couldn’t exactly wander around with that cast on. Anyway, how would we know if he had? He wasn’t working then and it’s not like he would have told us if he had been.”

Bobby shook his head, not liking to talk behind peoples back but when it was family, when he was worried he felt like the others should know. “No, I agree with Hen. Something’s different, he’s not been acting like himself. He’s too quiet. Something must have happened to trigger it.”

Chim sighed, thinking back to the way Maddie had looked when he’d mentioned the sleepwalking. He’d made a joke at dinner, thinking she would laugh but she went pale and demanded to know what had happened. Chimney had thought it was because she was worried about Buck hurting himself while asleep but now...he wasn’t so sure. 

“Maddie knows what it is I think. She tried to get Buck to tell her but he shut her out. I don’t know what it was but it seemed…private.”

Bobby laid down, encouraging his crew to do the same. “If he wants to tell us, he will. All we can do right now is keep him safe and support him. Everyone get some rest, we’re still on the clock and we don’t know how much sleep we’re going to be getting tonight.”

Bobby, of course, was right as always. It wasn’t more than two hours later that Eddie was woken by the singing bell and the soft thumping of Bucks feet against the floor as he left his bed. 

Eddie sat up and watched Buck open the door and wander off, mumbling about the bees that were on their way and how very grumpy they were. 

Hen sat up but Eddie waved her back down, pushing his blankets off and following Buck out into the firehouse. “I got him.”

Hen didn’t argue, happily laying back down and settling back into sleep but Buck was heading for the kitchen. 

“Buck, you’re sleepwalking again. Can you make this one easy on me?”

Eddie watched as Buck went to the table and sat down, hands pressed against the tabletop as he stared at the chair on the other side like there was someone in it. It was a little creepy, watching Buck operate while in a completely unconscious state. He blinked for a while, mumbles too quietly spoken under his breath to let Eddie hear them before he stood abruptly and made his way to the fridge. 

“Buck, you already had dinner, buddy. You’re not hungry.”

Buck frowned into the fridge, swaying slightly as he peered at the ingredients inside. “Eddie’s hungry.”

“What?” Eddie couldn't help but laugh a little as Buck took out the peanut butter and pulled the lid off and stuck it in his sweatpants pocket.

“Aw, dude. Don’t put it in there.” Eddie took the jar from his hand before he could try and eat any and pulled the lid from his pants, putting both back into the fridge. 

Buck was still muttering and huffing, frowning as his fingers curled and uncurled at his sides. Eddie, conscious of how careful he needed to be, pressed a hand to Bucks back, guiding him back towards the bunks.

“We’re gonna move nice and gentle and we’re not going to freak out, okay?”

Eddie wasn’t sure what Buck might do if he was startled while sleepwalking and with how much the guy could bench press, Eddie really didn’t want to find out.

“I’m not the caterpillar.” Buck seemed pretty sure about that so Eddie agreed with him, voice low, slow and comforting as he guided Buck back to their room. 

“No, you’re not. Come on, back to bed.”

Buck’s feet thumped against the floor as he stumbled forward, grumpily telling Eddie about whatever his mind was conjuring up. 

“And I tried but I couldn't find it.”

Eddie led him back to bed and got him to crawl back under the covers, tucking him in, safe and sound. “You can find it tomorrow, Buck. Now, stay.”

Buck curled up and hugged his pillow, sighing as he slipped back into his dreams. 

Eddie yawned and rubbed at his eyes as he got back to his own bed, sinking down into the mattress and pulling his own covers up over his shoulders. 

Of course, the second he closed his eyes would be the moment the alarm went off and everyone snapped awake at once. Great. Bye sleep, hello kitchen fire. 

:::::::

“You don’t remember what you were dreaming about at all?”

Buck screwed up his nose at his best friend as he hosed down the last of the smouldering grass. “No. Why what did I say?”

Eddie nudged the still steaming barbeque that was on its side on the lawn, checking for any embers that needed to be put out. “You were talking about bugs and angry bees. You were looking for something I think and telling me I was hungry.”

Buck looked at him like Eddie was the crazy one. “Dude, are you messing with me?”

Chimney slapped Bucks back as he passed, smiling with unadulterated glee. “You can see the security tapes if you like. I’ve laughed at them enough times.”

Buck went back to watching the grass he was hosing down. “It’s not that funny.”

Hen agreed. “It’s creepy.”

“Everyone leave Buck alone and get back to work please. I know you’re tired from this morning's early wake up call but we’re still on the job.”

Hearing about his sleepwalking and not remembering it was an odd and uncomfortable feeling and every time Buck heard about it he practically shuddered. It felt like having another version of yourself walk around without knowing what he did. 

“You got really upset. You kept saying ‘he fell and now he knows’ like you were scared about something. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Chim’s words were no longer teasing, he was worried and Buck tried to keep the bile in his stomach as he played like he didn’t know exactly what the words meant. “I’m fine. I get nightmares sometimes and now I apparently act them out. It’s nothing.”

It wasn’t all bad though. Sometimes it was even funny. There had been that one morning that Bobby came out of his office holding a pile of paperwork that had been scribbled over. “No more crayons, Buck! Where did you even get them from?”

“I don’t know!”

And the night when Chimney and Maddie had insisted he stay with them and they’d found him folding laundry on the lawn, wearing socks. Wearing only socks. 

And despite everyone constantly laughing at him it was a relief to know that his sleepwalking could be entertaining instead of the ticking time bomb of secrets he felt it was. 

Like when Santiago, another firefighter from their house had bumped his shoulder during morning shift. “Hey, man thanks for the eggs last night.”

Buck had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, in fact he didn’t remember seeing Santiago at all. “What?”

Santiago looked a little confused too as he shrugged. “I had just finished my shift and you were sleep-cooking. You made me eggs and said that I had to get big and strong before the rains came. I don’t know, man they were good ass eggs though.”

He went back to his duties and Buck turned to Eddie, who was smiling and trying not to. “I’m sleep-cooking now?”

Eddie shook his head, trying not to make it such a huge deal since it obviously bothered Buck. “You were fine, I was watching you.”

He took Bucks half laugh as a sign that he was becoming more comfortable with the whole thing. “So, I know that you know but I feel like I have to say it anyway.”

Buck stopped walking, anxiety crawling up his spine at Eddie’s cautious approach as if he was worried he could spook him or something. 

“What.”  
“We care about you and whatever’s causing the sleepwalking is not something you have to deal with on your own. We can help.”

Buck rolled his eyes and started walking, immediately shutting Eddie out. “Come on-”

Eddie grabbed his arm before he could leave and pleaded with him, feeling desperate. “This isn’t normal, Buck. Something brought it back and there are far too many of your sleepwalking adventures that make me think you’re scared. I don’t know what you’re scared of but there is something wrong.”

Buck clenched his jaw, avoiding Eddie’s gaze. He sighed, letting Bucks' arm go as he tried again. “Fine, you don’t have to tell me what it is but just please, tell me that if it gets worse you’ll tell someone. Maddie, Bobby, hell tell Carla just tell someone. Please, Buck. Promise me.”

Buck gave a short nod, whole body tense and closed off. “I promise.”

He walked away and Eddie knew that it was all he could do for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was originally a fic full of jokes and then I added angst so it is tricky trying to fit it all in the right places so I hope it comes across as at least somewhat coherent. 
> 
> alsoooo thank you to everyone that supports my writing I appreciate it so much and I'm so happy to be in this fandom


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooo i had no idea where i was going with this enjoy

“Buck, can you go grab a fresh narcan kit?” Hen barely looked up from where she was restocking the bus, hands moving faster than Buck could track them and he nodded, heading back to the storeroom when his phone buzzed in his pocket. 

Anxiety flashed hot in his chest and he closed his eyes, hoping that it was something good.   
It wasn’t.

He recognised the number and cursed, ignoring the call. Right. Narcan. That’s what he needed. He found it among the stock and brought it back to Hen, handing it over before his phone rang again. 

Hens eyes flickered up from her work to watch Buck pick up his phone and turn away, voice hushed and hard. “Stop calling me.”

Hen raised an eyebrow as he hung up and turned back to her, gesturing to the pile of supplies at her feet. “Need anything else?”

Hen wanted to ask but there was no way he’d tell her. “No, I’m good here. Thanks.” 

He nodded and went to leave before Hen changed her mind and called for him. “Buckaroo?” 

He swung back to her on one foot, fingers tapping anxiously against his thigh as he waited. 

She needed to be careful, she couldn’t push him but she wanted to help if she could. “Is someone bothering you? If you tell Athena I’m sure she can track th-“

Buck shook his head, shoulders tensing as his hands stuffed themselves in his pockets. “Nah, it’s fine. Just...telemarketers. You know how they are.” 

Hen watched him shut her out, shoving everything inwards. “Buck, you need to let us help. Whatever it is that’s bothering you is leaking out in your sleep, that’s why you’re sleepwalking. If you don’t talk to someone about this it’s only going to get worse.” 

Buck's eyes went hard but Hen could see behind that, she could see that he was scared. “We are right here, Buck and we want to help. You don’t have to do this on your own.” 

Something in Bucks expressions crumpled. His bottom lip wobbling and hands trembling as his hands shook at his sides. His voice cracking as he spoke, breaking Hen’s heart into pieces. “I can’t, Hen.”

“Buck-”

He’d admitted something was wrong. It was a start. 

“Thank you, though.” She could see his eyes were wet as he watched her, seemingly trying to convey something through his stare that he couldn't tell her outright. Something like, help me, I’m drowning. 

“Everyone keeps telling me that they want to help and that I’m not alone. There’s been so many moments in my life when just hearing someone say that would have saved me. You don’t know how much it means to hear it now. But I can’t tell you. If I tell you I won’t be able to stop telling you. And I can’t do that.”

The admission was a huge step, it was a look inside Bucks insecurities and fears but it gave Hen more questions than it answered. 

She didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure there was anything to say. He walked away, rubbing at his eyes and sniffling. Hen watched him, feeling more than ever that she didn’t know how to help him. 

::::::::

“If we ambush him he’ll feel attacked, we can’t go at this like that. He needs time.”

“We don’t have time! It’s getting worse and now he doesn’t want to sleep at all!”

“That’s my fault. He knows he talks in his sleep and he’s letting secrets slip without realising. I don’t know what could be so bad that he wouldn't tell us when he so clearly wants help.”

“Maddie, knows what it is. We can ask her.”

Bobby shook his head, tired as Chim sighed, voice heavy as he explained. “She doesn’t. I asked her. She thought it might have something to do with why it started in the first place but she said it was a head injury and wouldn't say anything else. But she was sure she didn’t know how it could have started bothering Buck again.”

Eddie stood, too annoyed at their lack of progress to sit still. “None of this is helping! We can’t fix anything until we know what it is we’re supposed to be fixing!”

Hen sympathised with him but Eddie’s first instinct of aggression wasn’t going to help anything either. “Buck doesn’t need fixing. He needs support.”

Eddie threw his arms up, pacing as his voice got louder and louder. “All I’ve been giving him is support! He still won’t tell me what's going on!”

Buck clenched his fists where he hid behind the corner, listening to his team talking about him, Eddie’s shouting sinking back to a tired murmur. “He’s my best friend. And I feel like we’re losing him.”

It hurt, to know that he was worrying everyone he cared about so much but if he told them what started the sleepwalking he’d have to tell them about why it had started and he couldn’t, he couldn't sit there and dredge up a whole life he’d tried to bury. They pitied him enough. He didn’t need to add to that. 

Buck couldn't listen to it anymore. He walked in, keeping his eyes to the ground as they all looked at him in shock, rushing to explain what they’d been discussing. He spoke first, addressing an abashed Bobby. “I’ve finished cleaning the truck. I’ll be in the gym until you need me again.”

He turned to leave, feeling Eddie’s hand on his arm but refusing to turn when it pulled. “Buck, we were just-”

“I’ll be in the gym.”

He shook the hand off and left, the silence behind him heavy and stinging. 

It didn’t help that he avoided them all every chance he had and when he couldn't he refused to speak. Honestly, he was too tired and stressed out to do much conversing anyway, other things on his mind taking all of his attention. 

During callouts he’d do his job, he’d have his teams backs but he didn’t smile, he didn’t joke or roughhouse like he used to. Eddie was right, it felt like they were losing him. 

Expect when he slept. When Buck slept he’d search them out, calling for help during the middle of the night or early morning, asking to be saved in ways he couldn't in his waking life. 

“Come on, buddy, Come out of there.”

Bobby reached his hand forward, not knowing if Buck was able to see it, curled up in the corner of the showers, arms wrapped around himself. He shook his head. “Can’t.”

Bobby knelt in front of him, tilting his head as he tried to figure out what was going through sleep-Bucks head. “Why are you whispering? Why can’t you come out?”

Buck blinked though his eyes were blank, eyebrows scrunched making him look scared. All of him looked scared. “Hiding.”

The quiet word chilled Bobby's blood, sending goosebumps up his arms. “From who?”

Buck opened his mouth to say something before he curled up tighter, shivering in the cool night air. “He’s angry again. I gotta be quiet so he can’t find me.”

It was close, he was so close to telling him who he was dreaming about, who might have been the person scaring him into sleepwalking again. 

“Who, Buck? Who is it?”

It was the use of his nickname that changed something, his owlish eyes blinking as he seemed to twitch, a small smile warming his face as he laughed a little. 

“Bobby has a tuna fish but he won’t let me brush it’s teeth.”

And that was that. Buck’s dream had shifted to something nonsensical and silly. It was a relief to see him giggling at the bottom of the shower rather than curling into the smallest ball he could but Bobby just knew that if he’d called the kid Evan he might have answered his question. 

“Tuna, tuna, tuna, fish.”

Bobby reached for him and gently pulled him to his feet. “Okay, kiddo. Let’s get you back to bed.”

And it was hard to joke about his sleepwalking adventures when most of them were cause for even more worry. 

“What are you guys doing?” Buck watched Chimney and Hen scrub the locker room wall, red ink dripping to the floor. 

Hen started pushing against his chest, gently easing him out of the room before he could see what the scribbling on the wall had been. “Don’t worry about it. We’ve got it.”

Buck brushed her hands away and strode back in, catching a glimpse of the scrawled words before Chimney wiped them away. It had been a repetition of “I’m sorry” over and over like a child writing lines on a chalkboard. 

“Did I do that?”

Chim shared a look with Hen before he nodded, sheepish and quiet. “Yeah. I found you in here...you insisted that you had to say sorry before he found you again. So, that he wouldn’t get mad.”

Buck felt sick, wondering just how much they all knew, what they’d picked up from his ‘episodes’ and pieced together but he made his way to Chim and took the cloth from him anyway. 

“I’ll clean up my own mess.”

They shared that look again, Chim opening his mouth like he was about to ask, yet again, for Buck to just tell them what was wrong but Buck turned away from the both of them and resumed their scrubbing. “You guys can go.”

They knew he wouldn’t budge and so they complied, only turning back once his voice came again, quiet. “Thanks...for taking care of me.”

Hen watched his tense shoulders, lowered head and slow hands on the wall. He was tired and losing the battle with whatever was weighing him down. “I wish I could tell you. I wish I didn’t have to do this all myself and that I could let you guys in again. But...not yet.”

Yet. It should have been promising, it should have been progress but it only made Hen worry more. 

During the day his phone rang almost every hour, texts chiming in and emails buzzing and Buck’s hands were almost always shaking now. He’d had to hand off a rope rescue to Eddie, at the insistence that “my hands aren’t steady enough, Bobby. Not today”. 

It was disconcerting to see him so down when he used to be the one they relied on for smiles and energy. Now, he was sunken down in his seat, head in his hands, staring down at his boots. 

“Buck? You okay, buddy? Just five minutes back to the station and then I’ll take you home for dinner with Chris. He’s been asking about you every day, you know.”

Eddie felt his heart sink as Buck sat up, eyes almost empty. “I don’t know if I have the energy, Eddie.”  
He slapped his hand on the blondes back, wishing he could lend his strength through his grip alone. “You’ll be okay. You’ll feel better as soon as you see him, I promise.”

He was right of course. No matter how tired and stressed out he felt, all of it melted away when he saw Chris, coming towards him as fast as he could. “Buck!”

Along with the rest of the extended 118 family that were waiting for him. “Happy anniversary!”

Buck couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face at the sight of his family all gathered together, celebrating...him?

Christopher gave him a hug and Buck squeezed back as hard as he safely could, stress dissipating from him in an instant. 

“I’m gonna bring you some cake! Wait here!” He hurried off the second he was released, eager to get Buck his share of sugar. 

Bobby smiled as he approached, Athena by his side. Buck pointed to the ‘happy anniversary’ banner behind them. “What’s all this about?”

“It’s the anniversary of when you got you joined our crew. You’ve come a long way since then, Buck. I’m proud of you.”

Bobby's words melted the smile from Bucks face, replacing it with watery eyes and a wobbly grin that he fought to keep in place. It was just four words and yet they hit him dead centre where his insecurities lay deepest and he was relieved to hear them despite his recent behaviour and relieved to see that he meant them. “Thanks, Bobby. That means...everything coming from you.”

The Captain nodded and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “But we’ve never celebrated an anniversary before. Why now? I didn’t even remember that it was.”

Athena wrapped an arm around Buck’s waist and squeezed, looking out at their gathered family as they chatted and laughed. “Yeah, well really it was just an excuse to remind you how important you are to us. You’ve been going through something tough all on your own and we wanted to make sure you knew just how many people you have on your side.”

Athena set her ‘mama’s talking and you better listen’ gaze on him and he took in every word she said, needing to hear it as much as she needed to say it. “We’ve been worried about you, Buckaroo and Bobby kept telling me how many times you refused to share what was hurting you.”

Buck wanted to refuse again but she spoke first, patting his chest to sink her words in all the more. “So, I told him to stop asking. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to, honey. As long as you know we love you and you let us help in whatever ways we can, in whatever way you want us to, that's enough.”

Athena had always been good but just those few words lifted what felt like a mountain of weight off of Bucks shoulders. He could feel it fall from him, the worry and the cold feeling like he was pushing everyone in a way he could never take back and she’d replaced it with that patented Athena Grace love. 

He sniffled and nodded, bottom lip jutting out before he could stop it. “Thanks ‘thena. I love you guys.”

He wrapped his arms around her and tried to convey all his gratitude and love through his hug as she returned the favor. “I know you do, honey. I know.”

The excuse for the party was weak but it was sure as hell a good time either way. Christopher got Buck his promised cake and dared him to a cake eating race which resulted in an hour of Buck chasing the kids around. 

Eddie laughed so hard he almost cried as Christopher chased him into a bush, sending Buck crashing into the greenery, all but disappearing except his legs sticking out, arms making an appearance just long enough to pull a squealing Christopher in with him. 

Bucks phone was forgotten, the stress and fear he’d been holding onto obliterated in the wake of so many people showing up just for him. Despite everyone constantly telling him he wasn’t on his own he’d almost forgotten that even the biggest monsters could be defeated when you have enough people to help. 

And he thought that, maybe, he could conquer his. He was strong, not because he held it all on his own but because he knew that he had a family behind him, supporting him and ready to take it when he couldn't anymore. 

When everyone was happily occupied, the kids playing and the adults all talking, he slipped away, taking his phone out and calling the number he’d been cursing for days. 

It didn’t ring for long, a gruff voice that Buck still heard in his nightmares answering after just a moment and Buck closed his eyes as he took a steadying breath. “Okay, I’m ready to talk.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Thanks, Maddie. I’ll keep an eye on him.”

Chimney tugged on her arm, trying to pull her out the door as she babbled on. “He won’t want to be babysat but I don’t want him sleepwalking alone. If you have any trouble just call me and I’ll be right over!”

Eddie laughed as Christopher pushed at her. “We’ll take care of Buck. You go home.”   
Maddie smiled and gave in, lifting her hands in surrender. “All right. Fine. I’ll go. Goodnight you two.”

“Night, Maddie!” Christopher closed the door, the last of their party guests gone and in the quiet Eddie could hear retching coming from the bathroom. 

“Chris, can you get some of the cups off the table for me? I’ll be back in a minute.”

He turned before he could see the kid nod, making his way to the bathroom and pushing the door open to find Buck on his knees in front of the porcelain, heaving his guts up. 

Eddie sighed and closed the door, wetting a cloth before pressing it to the back of Bucks sweat-slicked neck. “I told you running around after all that cake was a bad idea. Aw, buddy.”

Buck coughed and spat, shaking his head as he lifted his tear-streaked face. “It’s not that.”

Eddie felt a shiver run through him at the look in his friend's eyes. He was scared. 

“I called him. I thought that with everyone here I’d feel safe enough to finally figure out what he wants but…” A choked sound escaped his throat and he sunk down to his haunches, tipping back against the wall as he let out a sob. 

“He’s coming. He said he wants to visit and I just-I can’t, Eddie. I can’t see him.” His breathing started to pick up as he panicked, likely the reason he’d thrown up in the first place. 

“I can’t even hear his voice through the phone without having a panic attack. I can’t see him. Not after all Maddie and I went through to get away in the first place.”

Eddie didn’t know what to do with so much information at once, clues and admissions that he’d have to reflect back on later but for now he needed to stop the spiralling that was starting. 

“Buck, take a deep breath.”

Each gasp seemed to rip up his throat, choked and strained in a way that made Eddie worry he was going to asphyxiate if he didn’t calm down. His shaking hands gripped his hair as he started to rock slightly, back hitting the wall harder and harder with each swing. 

“Oh god, I was so stupid. Of course, he’d see me on the news all those times. Of course, he’d know where I was. Everythings ruined. I’ll have to leave again. This is all my fault and now Maddie’s going to have to go through it all again too. Fuck!”

“Buck!” Eddie pressed his palms to the blonde's cheeks and forced him to meet his eyes, voice hard and undeniable. “Slow down and breathe with me. Just one slow breath in.”

Tears dripped off his chin but he nodded and sucked in a shaky breath, closing his eyes as a whine escaped. 

“Good. And another.” Eddie watched as he did, his whole body shivering and pulled his hoodie off, shoving it over Bucks head as his breathing finally calmed. Buck gratefully shoved his arms through the sleeves and unscrunched his legs, folding them as he wiped his face and sighed. 

“I’m scared, Eddie. I don’t think I can go through it all again.”

It was clear that while he was ready to ask for help, talking about exactly who he was afraid of would only send him back into a panic. So, Eddie took Athena’s advice and didn’t ask. 

Whoever it was that made Buck so scared it made him sick, that had him huddled and shivering in the corner of a bathroom, had to be bad. But Eddie was determined not to let him anywhere near his best friend. 

“You don’t have to. I don’t care who this guy is, he’s not getting anywhere near you without your say so. You understand? I’ll make sure of it.”

Buck looked at him, blue eyes searching for something in Eddie's steady gaze. Whatever it was, he found it, relief soaking through every muscle as he sagged and tipped forward, pressing his forehead to the others warm shoulder. 

“Thanks, Eddie.” 

It wasn’t something that needed a thank you but Eddie pressed his hand to the back of Buck's head anyway, fingers kneading at his neck, pressing at his hair and feeling the tension melt away under his touch. “I got your back, remember? No matter what it is.”

There was a tiny knock at the door then and they both looked up to see Christopher pushing the door open, disregarding anything else in the room and plopping himself right in Bucks lap. 

“Hey, Buck.”

Buck smiled and wrapped him up in a hug, closing his eyes as dopamine flooded his brain. “Hey, buddy. What are you up to?”

Chris snuggled in, liking the smell of his dad's hoodie mixed with Bucks own scent. It was like being hugged by both of them at once. “Tryin’ to make you feel better. Is it working?”

Buck let out a burst of laughter and hugged him tighter, eyes wetting again even as he smiled. “Definitely.”

:::::::::::::  
Buck was exhausted after his meltdown and Eddie sent him straight to bed, insisting he take his room for the night. Eddie didn’t plan on doing much sleeping anyway, too occupied with how best to help his friend to think about resting. 

He pulled his phone from his pocket with one hand as he used the other to clean up his living room. “Hey, Maddie. Can I ask a favour?”

::::::

Buck woke up to the smell of blueberry pancakes and the sound of his two favourite Diaz boys singing. 

“Dad, Can I bring it to him?”

Buck sat up and ran his hands through his hair as he heard Eddie agree, followed by excited footsteps and a squeal of delight. He couldn’t help but laugh as Christopher came in with a giant smile and a plate of pancakes, almost dropping them he was so excited. 

“Good morning, Buck!”

Eddie righted the plate before he could tip them onto the floor and lifted Christopher onto the bed with one arm, holding orange juice with the other. 

“Good morning. What have you been making?”

Christopher stole a pancake and took a bite, smiling through his words. “Pancakes!”

Eddie poked his son in the side, his chiding dampened by his snicker. “Don’t steal his food. I brought juice and your anxiety meds.”

Buck took the glass gratefully, staring at the bottle of pills, amazed. “I haven’t taken these since I was a kid. Where did you get them?”

Eddie absentmindedly wiped a blueberry streak from Christopher's chin as he answered. “I called Maddie. She called your doctor. You don’t have to take them, I just thought it might help. I also set up an appointment with a psychiatrist for this afternoon if that’s something you wanted to do.”

Buck was more than grateful. “With everything going on I didn’t even think about it. Thank you.” 

Eddie was glad that Buck seemed so accepting of his meddling. “Look, maybe you should talk to your sister today. If whoever is bothering you is coming to see her too, she should know. Maybe she can help.”

Buck pressed a hand to his eyes. “I know and I know I have to tell everyone else I just...I don’t want everyone looking at me differently. I’m supposed to be the big strong hero. Not some scared kid who needs his big sister to save him.”

Christopher tipped his head back to smile at his Buck. “You saved me.”

Eddie wrapped an arm around his two boys and squeezed. “I know it’s hard to let yourself be vulnerable but there is nothing that could ever make us think any less of you. You’ll always be the team himbo. I promise.”

Buck burst out laughing. “You shouldn't even know that word.”

“Dad, what's a-” 

“Don’t worry about it. Let's all eat our breakfast and get going. We have a lot of leftover cake to get through today.”

::::::::

Buck took a deep breath as he stood in front of his sister's door. “I can do this. She’d want to know. She needs to know.” He’d taken his medication, he had Eddie waiting in the car if he needed him and he was safe. He could do this.

He only needed to knock once, his sister's smile fading a little when she saw Buck’s expression. “Hey, everything okay?”

He wished it was. “We need to talk.”

She ushered him in and sat him down, watching him wring his hands as he prepared to spill the beans. “So, I should have told you as soon as it happened but I...I didn’t want it to be real.”

Maddie leaned forward and took his hand, being the strong one when he needed it just like always. “Hey, whatever it is I’m here. Okay? Tell me.”

Buck swallowed. And let it out. 

“Dad called.”

Her eyes went wide, face paling. “What? When?”

“The day before the sleepwalking started. He said he'd seen me on the news and had been working on finding out how to contact me. I could barely speak, hearing his voice again...I almost couldn’t breathe.”

Maddie’s head was spinning, trying to take in everything he was saying and what it meant. Their dad. Jesus. She thought they’d never have to see him again.   
“What did he want? Does he know where we are?”

Buck nodded. “He wants to visit. Apparently, he’s sobered up since we left and he wants to...reconnect.”

“Visit? Do-well, do you believe him?”

Buck shook his head, thankful that he finally had someone to share his burden with, someone that understood just how heavy it was. “Of course not. I don’t know what he wants but he says he’s coming and he’s going to see us.”

His hands were shaking again and he took a breath to settle himself. 

“God Evan, I’m so sorry.”

Maddie, always taking care of him. 

“I’m sorry I didn't tell you. I didn’t want to scare you. To bring it all up again.”

He stared at his shoes, feeling guilty for ruining the sense of peace that she’d finally won for herself. After everything, she deserved to feel safe but she didn’t bat an eye, comforting her brother instead. 

“You never have to deal with this by yourself okay? I’m here, Evan. I’m never going to leave you again. Okay? And I won't ever let him near you.”

He gave a half-laugh, not a trace of humour within it. “You’d think with so many people telling me they’d keep me safe I’d believe it. I want to but...all my memories of him are when I was small. He was huge to me as a six-year-old and even now I feel like I’ll be that small again when I see him and I won’t be able to stop him.”

Maddie didn’t say anything. She knew how that felt. 

Buck lifted his gaze to hers. “You’re the reason we got away. You got us out and you kept us safe. I can never thank you enough for that. For what you did for me.”

Maddie moved to sit beside him and leaned against his shoulder, sharing her warmth with him and feeling him relax as she did.   
“Of course. You're my brother. And you should have seen how cute you were at that age. You think Chris is cute, you try looking into ten-year-old Evan’s blue eyes when he asks if he can keep a rolly bug as a pet.”

Buck laughed, remembering the exact bug she was talking about. “They’re called Pillbugs and Peter was a good friend.”

Maddie laughed and rested her head on his shoulder, looping her arm with his. 

"We're gonna be okay, right?" Buck looked down at her, finding comfort in her confident smile. 

"Yeah, we will be. Even if he does come. I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a while but I hope you like it!!!

Eddie watched the two Buckleys leave the house and walk towards him and he got out of the car to greet them. Buck looked okay, anxious but okay. 

“Hey, how did it...go?” Stupid question to ask. 

Buck nodded, swinging his arms at his sides anxiously like a toddler with too much energy. “It was good? I told her and I think I need to tell everyone else now.”

He frowned and swung his arms harder, rocking onto his toes as he shook his head. “I might throw up again first though.”’

Maddie reached for him in the moment Eddie did, both ushering him back into the house. “Okay, let's get you inside and calmed down.”

He felt better after he threw up. And felt much better after Eddie coached him through breathing and Maddie got him his anxiety meds. 

“You don’t have to do this today. We can wait.” Eddie drove while Buck sat shotgun and Maddie took the backseat as she called Chim, voice quiet beneath the thundering beat of Buck's heart. 

He shook his head and practiced his breathing like Eddie had shown him, fingers tapping on his knees as he focused. “No, I need to do it today. Cause he’s coming this weekend and if I don’t tell you guys I won’t be able to get through it on my own.”

Maddie finished her call and wrapped her arms around both Bucks seat and Buck. “We’re doing this together. I’m going to sit right beside you, holding your hand and we’ll tell them together.”

Buck nodded and grabbed her hands. “Just like when we left.”

Maddie laughed as Buck started giving her indian burns, sibling law demanding that they tease each other to chase the anxiety away. Eddie laughed, remembering his own antics with his sisters. 

“Two bags, the shitty car I’d gotten from my boyfriend and that awful green bucket.”

Buck let out a burst of laughter as Maddie pulled her arms from his grasp and messed his hair up instead. “Oh god, that bucket. I don’t think I'd ever been that car sick in my life.”

Eddie parked the car and Buck looked towards the firehouse, knowing exactly what lay inside. 

It wouldn't be the same once he told them. They’d look at him differently, they’d know everything. 

Eddie nudged his arm, half smiling. “I’ll hold your hand too if you like.”

::::::::::::

They were all looking at him and waiting. He needed to say something. 

“You don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready. I know we pushed before but-”

Deep breaths Buckley. 

“I need to. I want you to know why this has been happening and I need you to know why you’re all so important to me. And why what you gave me means so much.” 

He didn’t need to tell them what they’d given him. Their little family was the greatest gift he’d ever gotten in his life. 

As promised, Maddie held his hand beside him as the team sat on the couches around him, ready to hear what he had to say. He didn’t want to say it. 

“Buck?”

Bobby watched him with concern. Dammit he’d kept them waiting too long. He should just spit it out. 

“My Dad called me. That’s why I’ve been sleepwalking.”

They watched him with open expressions, ready for whatever he had to say. He could do it. His palms felt sweaty against Maddies but she didn’t let go, just gave him a gentle squeeze in encouragement to keep going. 

Right. Where to start. “Our Mom left when we were pretty young, so it was just us and our Dad but he...he drank too much.” 

He had the sudden realisation that he could be hitting a chord with Bobby and quickly filled the silence before anyone else could. 

“He was angry and mean and he always took it out on me. He always left Maddie alone. I don’t know why. I guess because I was the loud and annoying one.”

Maddie interjected, knocking her knee with his. “It wasn’t. It was because he was a bad person and he knew you couldn't fight back. It wasn’t your fault. You know that.”

Buck nodded. He did know that. “Right. You’re right. Anyway, he was a cop so he knew how to cover things up and we knew we couldn't tell anyone without making things worse. It’s not like any of his cop friends would have believed us over him.”

Athena gripped Bobby's hand, hating to hear that her kids had been so scared and so trapped. 

Maddie took over as Buck looked down at his shoes, her own voice thickening. “When Buck was ten...Our Dad finally hit him too hard. Bucks head hit the wall and he just dropped. Dad looked sick...like he finally realised what he was doing.”

Buck swallowed, refusing to look at anyone. He didn’t want to see how they were looking at him because he knew what he’d see. There would be nothing but pity, cloying and smothering and he’d hate it because he also knew what they’d see looking at him. A scared ten year old. 

“I woke up two days later in the hospital and I couldn’t remember the entire week leading up to the...accident, I guess. It had finally gone too far so, when we got home the day I was released we waited until Dad had drunk enough to put him out for the night and we ran. We grabbed whatever we could and we drove nonstop until we were sure we’d gotten far enough away.”

Maddie smiled at Buck, teary eyed. “Our dad didn’t want any more trouble than we were worth and as far as we could tell he never looked for us or declared either of us missing. We just picked a place and started new. That’s when the sleepwalking began. I’d find Evan walking around the house talking about how his head hurt and how dad threw him too hard. I knew he didn’t remember the...accident but he used to dream about it.” 

Buck finally lifted his eyes enough to look at everyone, relieved to see anger and determination overshadowing the pity that they had in their eyes. 

“That was the last I’d heard from him until that night you found me on the balcony. He called me out of nowhere. He said he’d seen me on the news when I couldn’t save that guy that fell. I hung up before he could say anything else but I was terrified. That’s why I started sleepwalking again.”

“He kept calling you.” Hen remembered all the times he’d look at his phone, scared and pale.

Buck nodded. “Yeah. I told him to stop calling but he said that he’d seen me and he knew where I was. I finally asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to make it right. That he’d been working on getting better before he made contact. Which is why he’d taken so long to call me.” 

Maddies lip was wobbling again, fear pinching at her features and Chim watched her, wanting to reach out and hold her. “He’s coming here. He wants to visit and he knows about the firehouse. I don’t want to see him and I don’t want him seeing Buck.” 

She was scared too but Maddie Buckley was never going to back down when it came to protecting her little brother. 

Bobby is adamant, voice almost hard. “He won’t. I’ll make sure of it.”

Athena set her hard eyes on Bucks, hand itching for her gun just thinking about the evil that had been stalking him. “You don’t have to worry about a thing. He even tries to come near you and I’ll have him in cuffs.” 

Buck smiled, watching his family getting ready to fight just for him and Maddie. Chim nodded. 

“We’ve got your back. Both of you. He’s not stepping foot into this firehouse.” 

Buck had always known that he had his team, his family to back him up but seeing them there, ready to fight anyone that came near him, it felt like being wrapped in a bullet proof blanket. He felt safe. 

“Thank you.”

:::::::::::

The days leading up to his dad's visit felt like the long seconds of anticipation where you know pain is coming and you’re waiting for it to hit you. The anticipation was often worse than the pain itself. 

He thought about it constantly, finding it hard to sleep or concentrate or anything for long periods of time without his brain coming back to it again. 

Eddie had talked him through a panic attack or two during the days leading up and had driven him to his appointments with his therapist which seemed to help. 

“Has he told you when he’s coming?”

Buck shook his arms out, breaths shaking as he pulled in what he hoped was an even breath. “No, he just said this weekend. I don’t know what day or what time and I don’t know what I’m going to say or do when I see him and-fuck.”

Eddie set a hand on his arm and rubbed his thumb gently across his skin. “Look, no matter when he comes you're not going to be here by yourself, right? Maybe we’ll be on a call when he shows up and whoevers here can tell him to piss off.”

Buck let out a small laugh. “I hope so.”

“Hey, try the affirmations.”

Buck nodded and rolled his clenched fists down his thighs, restless energy making him more fidgety than usual. He had thought the therapist's advice was silly at first but they really did help him focus. 

“I have support and help all around me. I’m not in danger. I have systems in place to keep me safe.”

Eddie moved his hand from Bucks hand to his back and rubbed smooth circles across his shoulder blades. “There we go.”

“Evan.”

The voice was deep and definitely not Maddies and since she was the on;y person they knew that called Buck by his first name he had to assume that it was- “Dad. Fuck Eddie, he’s here!”

Eddie pushed Buck further into the locker room, hiding him as footsteps made their way into the firehouse. 

“I’m looking for Maddie and Evan Buckley. I assume they’re both here.”

Bobby’s voice stopped the footsteps coming any closer and Maddie was quickly ushered into the locker rooms by Chimney, thankfully hidden by one of the ladder trucks on their way. 

Buck looked terrified, hunched on the bench with Eddie gripping his hand and he reached out for Maddie as soon as she came near, the two of them clinging together as Bobby spoke. 

“Mr Buckley, I presume. My name is Captain Nash and I’m sorry to inform you that your children aren’t here.”

Chimney stood by the door of the locker room, hands braced on the doorway as if he was prepared to physically brace anyone from entering. 

“Aren’t they? Oh, I’ll come back another time I suppose. Do you know when they’ll be back?”

Thank god they’d all been in when he decided to show up and Eddie was relieved to hear Athena’s hard voice in reply. 

“Actually, you won’t be coming back. Buck and Maddie have informed us that they aren’t willing to see you. Which I’m sure you already know since Buck told you that himself.”

“And just who are you to tell me I can’t see them?”

Eddie could only imagine the look Athena was giving him after a comment like that. He didn’t envy him. 

“Sargent Grant with the LAPD. And you’re the guy that's leaving. Now.”

There was a shuffle of boots as presumably Bobby and Athena moved forward to try and get him to retreat but Mr Buckley was not one to back down. 

“No, I am not. Not until I speak to my children. Because that’s what they are. My children. I don’t know who you think you are but if I want to see them then that's my right.”

Bobby didn’t sound any happier than Athena did. “You don’t have a right to anything, especially not when it comes to those two, You think you can just walk in here and demand whatever you want? This is my firehouse and my family and I won’t let you walk in here and act like you have any entitlement to it.”

Eddie looked over to Buck as he huffed out a laugh, Maddie smiling too. “Fuck yeah, you tell him, Bobby.”

Mr Buckley sounded angrier and the smile slipped from Buck's face as he closed his eyes. “I don’t know what they told you about me but I’ve gone through the programmes. I’ve gotten better. And I want to see them.”

Bobby spoke again, voice low and level. “I’m glad you’ve chosen a different path for yourself but you have no right to invade their lives. You can’t ask that of them.” 

Athena backed him up, ending the conversation then and there. 

“They don’t want to see you. They don’t want to know you. And they don’t need to. So, if I see you anywhere near them again I will stop you myself.” 

“Is that a threat?”

“No, sir. It’s a promise.”

The footsteps retreated with some angry muttering and Buck let out a sigh of relief, whole body sagging. 

Eddie reached for the two siblings, Maddie hugging Bucks arm as she let out a sigh of her own. 

“You two, okay?”

Maddie nodded as Chimney left the doorway to check if the coast was clear, coming back instead with Bobby and Athena with a concerned Hen following behind. 

“Is he gone?” Maddie almost couldn’t believe that their father had come so close after so long. And now he was gone. 

Bobby nodded. “He’s not coming back here anytime soon.”

Buck stood, making his way to Bobby and wrapping him in a hug, dropping his chin on his captain's shoulder as his lip wobbled. “Thank you. I know I’ve made your lives harder and dragged you into this and I always get into trouble but-”

Bobby hugged him back, Athena joining her arms in too. “Aw, kid we don’t care about any of that. You’re a part of this family, both of you. And no one hurts our family.”

Athena reached a hand up to brush at the hair at the base of Buck's neck. “We love you, Buck. Every part.”

Hen joined in the group hug, snuggling in beside Athena. “Yeah, what would we do without you?”

Chim and Maddie joined in and Eddie couldn’t help but lend an extra bit of love. All of them wrapped around each other, safe and secure. 

Bobby was lucky to have them all. After losing his family he wasn;t sure he’d deserve a new one. But he was glad they'd taught him he was wrong and he hoped Buck knew he deserved it too. “You’re our kids. Not his.”

Buck found Maddie's hand in the bundle of arms and hands and squeezed tight. They were exactly where they needed to be. 

:::::::::::::::

Buck was exhausted from the days excitement but his anxiety had finally fallen away. His father was gone. He wouldn't have to worry about him anymore, he’d no longer have the looming threat hanging over him. He was free of him. 

He pushed his apartment door open and dropped his bag by the door, jumping at the sudden voice in what was supposed to be an empty room. 

“So, this is what it's come to.”

His father was standing in his kitchen, arms crossed and eyes angry and hard.

Bucks heart began to thunder in his chest and his hands shook so bad he dropped his keys, the clatter of them hitting the floor making him flinch hard. 

“Dad, what are you doing here? How’d you get in? How’d you know where I lived?”

He didn’t look at all bothered by the questions, skimming over them entirely. “I’m still a cop, son.”

The ‘son’ pulled Bucks eyes to the floor, shoulders hunching up near his ears as he half turned away, thinking of just running. 

“What do you want?”

His father took a step forward and Buck stumbled backwards, shoulder striking the wall behind him as he tried to get back. 

“I want my children back in my life. I want you to give me a chance. You know, I never would have had to teach you so many lessons when you were younger if you hadn’t screwed up so many times.”

Buck lifted his head at that, anger replacing his fear as he looked at the man in front of him. He wasn’t as big as he’d seemed to Buck when he was a child. He wasn’t some big terrible monster. He was a man. A pathetic excuse for a father who was too much of a worthless asshole to deal with his own problems. 

“What did you just say?”

His father took another step towards him, chin raised but Buck raised his own, standing straight to take advantage of his full height. 

“Maybe I should teach you again, huh boy? You need to be retaught your manners.”

Buck looked at the man in front of him and found that he wasn’t scared anymore. He knew what a real man looked like, a real father. A real father protected his kids. A real father loved them and taught them with a kind voice and gentle hands. He’d seen Eddie’s face light up at the sight of his son and the pride on Bobbys face when one of his did something to make him smile. He knew what a real father looked like. And it wasn’t the one in front of him. 

“I’m not helpless anymore, Dad. I’m bigger than you now.” 

His father's eyes narrowed as he stepped forward again but Buck didn’t move. 

“What? Are you threatening me? I could put you in the dirt before you even got a swing in. You’ve always been pathetic. Never once fought back.” 

Anger burned hot through Buck's chest and he clenched his fists at his sides, everything he’d ever wanted to say to the man coming out at once. “Because I was a kid! I don’t know what happened to screw you up so bad but I don’t care! You don’t get to pretend like I have to forgive you for what you did. You haven’t changed, you're still that same bully who’s too much of a weak bitch to pick on someone bigger than his ten year old. Well I’m not ten anymore, Dad. I run into fires and jump out of buildings. I survived an explosion and a tsunami and I survived you! You can’t scare me because I know what you are. You’re weak.” 

He knew it was the truth now and he could see his father's eyes flare in anger as he raised his voice, temper taking over just like it always did. 

“Don’t you talk to me like that! I raised you!” 

Another lie. Buck couldn't let anymore lies slide. He shook his head, voice loud in the cold apartment. 

“No, Dad. Maddie raised me. And I don’t want to hear any lame excuses about how difficult a child I was because you know what? One of my favourite people in the entire world is a ten year old kid and I have never, and will never, hurt him like you hurt me. I could never think of it. Because It wasn’t me that was the problem. It was you. And I’m done with you.”

His father's eyes were hot with anger but Buck was the one to tower over him now and they both knew that he couldn't scare him anymore. He had no power left and he was nothing more than an empty man filling himself up with anger and blame to ease the pain of his own shortcomings. He’d lost.

“Get out of my apartment. And don’t you ever contact me or my family again.” 

Buck watched him leave and his hands as steady as they’d ever been. 

::::::::::::::

Eddie watched Buck stride into the firehouse, the biggest smile he’d seen in weeks planted firmly on his face. “Hey. You look happy. You sleep okay?”

Buck nodded and bumped his fist against Eddie’s outstretched one, finally happy once again. “I’ve never slept better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the transition from scared buck to defiant buck happened too quick but I wanted him to have an ending where he got to defend himself and where he didn't have to be scared anymore. 
> 
> let me know what you think? I want to get back into my more bloodier and messier fics so hehe that should be fun

**Author's Note:**

> i plan on doing more but quarantine has turned me into a blob so yeah I'll try


End file.
